The Minister of Health has stated that New Minister of Defense, whoever he will be, better have a plan to combat a zombie apocalypse or risk getting fired just like his predecessor. “And it better be a detailed plan, complete with charts and diagrams and everything,” he told gathered reporters.
He made these statements during a press conference last week. “The simple truth is that there are certain things this administration is very concerned about, and one of them is the threat of a zombie apocalypse.”
Professor Onyebuchi Chukwu went on to explain how he came upon this piece of helpful knowledge. “We were at our last cabinet meeting, deliberating on national issues, forging the way forward, when my good friend, the Minister of Science and Technology Prof Ita, asked if anyone had seen season 2 of Walking Dead.
“That really got us talking, you know? Elder Godsday wanted to know if it was out already and whether any of us had it there. Luckily, the Minister of Transport, Senator Idris, had it with him on his hard drive. So Godsday was like: why don’t we take a few minutes off to watch a few episodes on the laptop? So we did. We were at that part, I think episode 1 or 2 that part where they got stuck on the highway and the horde of zombies came passing by, when the President walked in and asked what was going on. We told him and his face fell with disappointment. How could we, he asked, be spending time watching movies when as a nation, we had done nothing to prepare for a zombie apocalypse?
“So we all gathered round and began to brainstorm. First we’d need to cart away the country’s resources, but discreetly, so as not to cause panic. Then ensure that roads and other means of transport are a mess in order to slow the spread of the infection.
“At this point, the President asked former Minister of Defense what plans he had put in place. He had none, he said. he wasn’t the Minister for long after that, I tell you,” Said Prof Chukwu, sadly shaking his head.
“Normally,” he added, “this matter wouldn’t concern me. But I feel it is within my purview to lay down certain ground rules, so that if a zombie apocalypse does happen, we all don’t get carried away.
Number One: Zombies are not allowed to vote during any election or hold public office. It will be up to my department to discern, through careful examination, just which candidate the zombies, en masse, would have voted for, and liaise with INEC to tally the scores accordingly.
Number Two: Zombies will be easily identified as quiet, slow, sluggish, brainless and incapable of carrying out the simplest functions effectively. They should not be mistaken for politicians, who make a lot more noise.
And Finally, People should expect a complete and total shut down of power and water supply at the sign of the first uprising. Those departments have been practicing excellently at that, I believe.”